When you react the volcano erupts
When you react the volcano erupts
Are you Reacting or Responding?
An idea from Marianne Williamson’s Thought for the Day inspired me to write this article. It was about reacting vs reaponding. I am adapting this priciple to parenting because it is such an easy way be aware of how you “show up” for your teen.
Sometimes we hit bumps along the road-; roadblocks or barriers. Most times it is easier to go around the road block, to find another path instead of confronting the real challenge. When we keep ignoring the problem, it just keeps cropping up until we face the reality and solve the issue. Sometimes the issue can be resolved by the way we respond to the problem.
Responding is the key to parenting
Think about the difference between reacting and responding. Reacting is when conflicts occur, tempers flair and emotions erupt. You might snap in answering instead of stepping back. (We all do it)
Responding is using a higher consciousness. It is a way of saying I know that you are in a bad space. I am going to give you some room, give you some time to settle down, respect your mood, acknowledge your stress, etc. You can also use the skill of listening on a heart and soul level. See the article about listening in archived newsletters. Select the Communication to find the article.
Responding is stepping back and being objective
When you are aware of the difference between reacting and responding, you can choose the effectiveness of your interaction. If you react and realize the source of the tension, you can take a moment to apologize or take responsibility for your part in the dysfunction. I know, this is easier said than done. Once you practice being aware, it will become part of your behavior of responsibility and accountability. This contributes to being the parent that is doing the best that you can.
Think about when your daughter has a stressful day. She may be reacting to a friend saying something hurtful, may not have done as well on a test as expected,forgot a needed assignment, or was excluded from a circle of friends. The list is endless. She may come home sulking, complaining, be verbaly abusing you or others, or shut out your efforts to listen and understand etc. ( sound familiar?)
Couple that with YOUR stressful day of coping with a full time job, the boss is on your case, you are worried about finances, you may have had an agrument with your significant other, you are physically tired from running errands and keeping up with the everyday activities of running a household (did I forget anything?)
When you REACT the volcano errupts!!
It is hard to be understanding and objective when you are already on your last nerve. So, instead of responding, you react. Here is an example of reacting:
Sally comes home stomping around because she wants a new pair of shoes that everyone else is wearing. “Everybody else’s Mom lets them have what they want”. She has already pushed a hot button, you are now defensive and you end up saying, “I can’t believe that you are so ungrateful for what you do have” or, “You’ll get that new pair of shoes when hell freezes over”! You can see where this is going- an argument ensues and neither one are willing to step back….you know the rest.
Here is an example of responding:
Sally, I know it is important to want to fit in. Tell me how what ideas you have for getting those shoes. That way you have acknowledged her need and are giving her an opportunity to contribute to a solution. It is always helpful to take a deep breath, count to 10 or remind yourself not to take things personally before responding too.
Practice the art of RESPONDING. You will be glad that you did.
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