Building Lasting Relationships: Exploring Boundaries and Limits

The word boundary always seems so stifling to me. It conjures up images of a parent in the face of a teen lecturing or criticizing, or of feeling boxed in. However, the opposite it true. Here are some definitions of BOUNDARIES:

• Give a foundation for loving parenting.
• Provide a  positive stepping stone to what you will do, what you will tolerate and what you want.
• Another word for limits and self care.
• Help guide parents and teens so that they are not judgmental, attack,criticize  or alienate others.
• Do not have to manipulate or “WIN”
• Nothing is personal with clear limits and boundaries

Without boundaries, people are likely to take things personally, get into power struggles and generate resentment. Boundaries help people assume responsibility for their choices. For example, if you set a curfew for 11:30PM, and, John comes home late for a curfew, he has chosen to take the consequence. This is nothing against John, nothing personal and he is emotionally safe because he did not have to come under the line of fire. This is more respectful.

The goal is to express yourself in positive effective non-hurtful ways. To respect and recognize your limits and the limits of others. The use of sarcasm, put downs, judging, or attempting to control someone are counter to what boundaries are all about. To be positive and assertive,use statements  like,” No”, “STOP”,or my favorite, “That won’t work for me”- these are real boundary setting words and let people know what you want. One the other hand, statements like, “How stupid are you?”, “That will never work”, “What are you thinking” are all forms of put downs. To keep yourself in check, observe your conversations over the next week and see how  and what you say to others. Ask yourself what your boundaries are, and, if you keep them.

One of the best steps that you can take toward building a lasting relationship with your teen is to establish clear boundaries. The earlier you can set these limits, the more comfortable you and your teen will feel. As your teen grows and the limits change, you both will feel confident in making and respecting each others boundaries.

Celebrate your personal freedom while setting healthy boundaries yourself!