Today, I am Talking about the Dreaded issue of Lecturing
I can't hear you!
I am always curious to know what is going through your minds as you read these articles. I tend to give you bullet points of info (to stay away from being controversial as much as possible). When I write the newsletter, I think, WOW, I reflect back on raising my boys and think, I really missed the boat on some of these issues, and sometimes I think, I was right on the money. Wherever you may be- remember, there is NO judging, just support, understanding and objectivity from my end…I’m YOUR coach. By the way, let me know if there is a topic that you would like to be covered; sometimes I have them in the archived section as well.
I am supplementing it with discussion, negotiation and compromise. Well, I guess nobody wants to be lectured to- but our teens inspire us so much! They need our wisdom, our experience, to be shown the way, we have so much to give them…if only they would listen! They will, but, not in the form of a lecture. Think when your parents started with the ,”When I was a teen”. Your eyes probably rolled back into your head and as you propped your head up for the same story-that you have heard for you can’t even remember how many times. Also, if you pepper that lecture with criticism and judgment, you have completely lost their attention-they’re gone!
Communication with parents decreases during adolescents
This is normal- so, make every conversation with your teen count. This is a gracious dance of wisdom and insight. You will want to know your teens “cues” and if they do not want to talk and you push to hard, they will pull away, going into a cocoon. If you are the person that is continually, empathetic, understanding and non judging, you are a sure bet for some conversations about wanting/needing advice. By listening, you will gain insight into their world, what they are thinking and feeling. This does not mean that you have to agree with everything-you will just be giving them an opportunity to share their ideas. And, generally, even if you don’t agree with their views,you will be proud of the way that they can articulate how they feel (given the chance)
If parents learn to bend on some things, teens will be more likely to compromise.
It definitely takes efforts from both teens and parents for this win-win style. This leads you to the lose the battle, but, win the war mentality. For example- if parents “let go” of teens hair, clothes and room issues, you will be able to” hold on” to drugs, sex, alcohol, curfew, etc. You will just NOT have to go to the mat for everything. Both parents and teens will learn to respect each other when criticism is taken out of the equation, listening to the whole story is practiced regularly,judgments are decreased at the same time understanding is increased. Here are some examples of compromise… Let’s make a deal Let’s negotiate Here is how we do it Would you be willing to Let’s start here In our house we We can listen to each other without agreeing Let’s start out with this curfew and see how it goes before we make a change We’d like to try it this way until we get a plan that we like
Stay away from:
“Because I said so” “Do it this or that way” “When you get a house you can do it your way” Your family motto can be:”WE ARE INTERESTED IN SOLUTIONS NOT FINDING BLAME” To further treat each other with respect remember these helpful tips too: Keep it short and simple 50/50 rule-parents talk 50% more than they need to Think of texting your teen Family meeting are a great way to exercise negotiation, discussion and compromise. There is an article about family meetings in the archived newsletters (I love how all of these steps weave together). Using the one word or 10 word phrases will help develop theses skills as well. This is a journey. I am not expecting everyone to be 100% with all of these articles. I am still plodding away with my two adult sons. Remember, since this is a journey, any tips that you can tuck under your belt will be time well spent. When they are adults,the bar gets raised. Your kids will be making life decisions like careers choices, finding places to live and for a life partners. ( AKA the Mother or Father to YOUR grand babies.) By then, you WILL want to be ready for THOSE discussions:) My highest and best to the AWESOME parent that YOU are
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