Communication: What are Your HOT Buttons?

Enhancing Communication

Don't press my HOT button!

In my quest for seeking the best content for you, I ran across a book: Positive Discipline for you teen by Sells. Some authors just speak to me and give me the truth in real terms. I resonated best with his theory on Hot Buttons…who pushes them, why we push them, what is gained, how do people know what buttons to push, and, why we let people push them over and over again. If you are game, you are in for a real treat!

What are Hot Buttons anyway?

They are the buttons that make you feel angry, defensive, guilty or manipulated. These buttons have been stuffed from our inside out , they are our unresolved issues and are displayed for all to see. These buttons are easy for others to see and therefore, easy for others to press-especially our teens. Teens are good at it and they continue to press these Hot Buttons again and again in order to distract you from the real issues at hand. Think of what your Hot Buttons are and write down as many as you can think of. The main reason these buttons are pushed is to get into a power struggle and to:

• Get you distracted
• Manipulate
• To cloud your thoughts and make you question your worth as a parent
• Designed to make you lose your temper
• If you take these barbs personally, it gives them the upper hand
• If they know a particular button works, they will use it time and again
• Used to make you back off or decrease rules and consequences
• Designed to make parents back off because of fear-to decrease taking action, or enforcing rules

Here is a list of the TOP 10 Hot Buttons that teens push in order to get their way.

Please feel free to read these with a whiny vice, since this is how most af them are delivered. Let me know at elaine@yourparentpartner.com if you hear any of these on a regular basis-better yet, write in and let me know the Hot Buttons YOU are hearing!!

• “You never let me do anything”
• “You don’t love me”
• “I hate you and this family”
• They use swearing or verbal abuse to intimidate you
• “I don’t have to listen to you”
• They might give you a disgusted look or use a hand gesture
• Lying
• “I am going to hurt myself/ you/ or others”
• “I hate school”
• “I am going to run away”

The last 3 buttons are used as an act of desperation- none of the other tactics worked and therefore, the big guns come out.

Remember, all are designed to manipulate, make you angry, distract you, etc. I had a friend and psychologist, Dr Siskind who once told me to say, “That’s right, I am the meanest Mom that you will ever have”. He even applauded the teens efforts of identity formation and expression, but, we as parents don’t have to take the bait. Here is another way to deal with these “distractors”

Use Reflections.

These are words or phrases that get the conversation back to the issue at hand (Brilliant) These reflectors are : Nevertheless, Regardless, That is the rule, and No Exceptions. So, for example: Johnny, age 14 wants to go to the concert, and Mom’s answer is NO. Johnny then gets into the litany of, “You are a horrible Mom”, “You never let me go anywhere”, “Bobby’s Mom is letting him go”….she can use a reflector: “Nevertheless, you are NOT going to the concert.” Or, “Regardless, you are NOT going to the concert; “That is the rule, you are NOT going to the concert”. See how the Mom sticks to the issue at hand and is not lured into the battery of Johnny’s negativity? She could see that it was all a ploy to be manipulated into thinking that she was a bad Mom and thereby giving in and letting him go to the concert.

Easy Sneezy!! I love when these sticky, cloudy issues become clear as a bell

To be an equal opportunity coach, I have the TOP 8 ways that parents push teens buttons. See if you can see yourself in any of these scenarios:

Preaching and using cliches- “When I was a teen”- the teen instantly goes deaf and walks away

Talking in chapters- going on and on-just get to the point

Labeling- “Always” is the hallmark-You always do this or that- becomes a self fulfilling prophecy

Futurizing- putting your teen in a negative light- “You’ll never get a date with that attitude, You’ll never get in a good college- teen shuts out parent- leads to more futurinzing

Instant Problem Solving- Teens don’t want to hear what we did as teens, or that their problem is NO big deal-to them it is. they don’t want us to fix their problems or discount them-

- Better to lose the battle and win the war- let go of hair and clothes and hold onto sex, drugs, alcohol, curfew, etc

Collecting Criticisms- Criticism can damage their inner spirit

Questioning Teens Restlessness and Discontent- Hello- teens job to be in a blender!! This is a time of uncertainty, self consciousness, moodiness, conflicting emotions, irrational urges and raging hormones…give them some space:)

I hope this article has shed some light onto what HOT Buttons are, when and why they are pushed, how you can react and some insight into how our teens feel their buttons are pushed too. I often wonder if these articles elicit discussion with parents and teens. I hope it does and that this gives you  a springboard to enlighten your  relationships. I love my job!

Have fun discovering Your HOT buttons-don’t worry, we all have them. The best thing to do is to know what they are and deal with them.